crowns of snow
by paradises
Summary: "And, the cycle repeats until she can't take it anymore and says her GOODBYE WORLD I HATE YOU I HATE ALL OF YOU and leaves" / or, how the plates stack upon one another until they all come crashing down — kristen gregory


**crowns of snow  
**kristen gregory

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"_when adults say, "teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. we need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. we think that we are invincible because we are. we cannot be born, and we cannot die. like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. they forget that when they get old. they get scared of losing and failing. but that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."_

— **looking for alaska;** john green

Like anything, it starts off with never being good enough.

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Middle school passes by in a blur, but some of the most significant memories stand out, while others are concealed under layers of secrets and _ohsoscandalous _gossip which usually tends to be about how matchmaking goes awry between teachers and rebellious wild girls. Kristen walks home alone, holding tightly onto her backpack and angrily rips apart the _KICK ME _sign, plastered to her fingers.

But, it's in middle school when Kristen realizes that there are levels; there's always going to be that one girl, who's the most popular, has the most friends, but the one that people turn against the easiest. And, this isn't elementary school anymore; being nice and bringing cupcakes and having the best lunch boxes, the fastest mile time, isn't enough to guarantee a secure number of friends. You either have the quality to be perfect, or you don't.

For years on end, Kristen has tried to keep convincing herself that she can become perfect, she can become the valedictorian ( hell, she's already planned the whole high school has took everything from us, but it's also given us a lot sucky speech theme ), and she can go to the college that her parents had always wanted her to go. She can make her parents proud of her; but even if she does something like that, there are always going to be those few kids who barely study (at least that's what she tells herself ) and have friends, and a real personality, and she's just vanilla bland.

And why should anybody in their right mind choose bland Vanilla when there's Fiery Cinnamon or Strawberry Shortcake or Slushies, all lined up, each one better than the one before.

She keeps on telling herself that whatever she does, it will be worth it in the end, but it really won't, will it? Because she looks back on those pictures from the last day of eighth grade and sees her messy slop of blond hair, sticky with sweat, hidden between all of the beaming smiles, and she just looks slightly demented, and how can her feet be crossed so awkwardly?

And, everybody else is just so perfect, and most of them are smarter than her, and all of them are prettier and have a better personality, some are more athletic, some are more naturally talented, but Kristen knows that nobody works as hard as her. After all, it doesn't make sense; high school starts, and she's not even going be in the top twenty, she realizes, not even in the top twenty.

Because, she's just this little American girl trying to hold onto an overachiever reputation from the seventh grade; and this might have worked if she continued to train as hard, to keep friendships instead of lying and letting them break off, and maybe if she didn't lose the respect of her family, everything would be okay. Or not; Kristen thinks that everything will be fine after high school.

It'll be a fresh start, a clean page, and her horrible past and series of vengeful mistakes won't be following her.

Sometimes, Kristen wonders what it means to be good enough — whether one's life is measured in intelligence, the way that they score on state mandated tests, or the way that they have a charismatic pull, eyes always on them; maybe even if the crowd cheers the loudest for them, stamping their feet and standing up in applause, squealing and boxes of glitter being thrown around the field, being lifted up on the shoulders of their teammates.

Though most of the time, Kristen ends up with bitter disappointment and regrets for failure and lies, always building on top of one another, she lives for those magic moments, the only thing that keeps her moving forward.

She can still remember, vaguely in her head, the first time that her teacher had announced that Kristen Gregory had gotten the best grade in class, the first time that she had been admitted into the Soccer Sisters, and thought that finally, she would have somewhere to belong, the first time that she became slightly more popular than the rest. Because in truth, Kristen just wants to belong.

Anywhere, somewhere — but whoever she belongs with, they always have to be the best. And sometimes, Kristen's own rules keep on pushing her down, because in associating with the best, somebody always has to be the worst. That person's usually Kristen.

She starts to realize that some things just can't be helped — and sometimes, some people have physical limitations and others have natural talent that they barely ever use, but the people with natural talent, are the nicest people ( hopefully ). They're the devils in disguise, who can pretend to be the best friends in the world, making you feel as though the friendship between you and them is a bond, almost magnetic, and at other times, that can change your world, bringing it all crashing down.

Her family's always there for her, she suddenly realizes, and her mother doesn't understand why her daughter really needs friend in the first place when family is the bond to give strength, to give power. Maybe it's because family only tells you the harsh, bitter truth that you don't want to hear.

The first time that Kristen actually feels good about herself is when she's replaced, by this stumpy little girl by the name of Kori Gedman — of course, Serena always had the worst choice in picking friends, didn't she? Nevertheless, though this girl's mother looks like Michael Jackson, tears slip down worn cheeks as Kristen realizes that this bubbly girl has flaws, but she's better than Kristen, even with that posture.

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And like usual, high school is the time when rumours start spreading —

Kristen starts off happy enough, it's her birthday after all, and her best friend in the entire world, Massie Block, calls her hideous, but she ignores it, thinking that it's just another of their endearing terms because right now, she couldn't care less. It's her birthday, and it's going to be the best day in the entire world, and Kristen just knows it the moment that she wears her favorite shoes.

She's been accepted into another year of the Soccer Sisters, and they've all sent her postcards from around the world, and she feels as though she's floating on air, glossy, ethereal steps. Kristen's in the car with her two best friends; Massie and Dylan, and they start talking about the rumors that are being spread around their school, and like any other seventeen year old, Kristen goes along with the flow. "Wait, what do you mean that Skye's pregnant?"

"Hello?" Massie flips her hair. "Just because Serena and I aren't besties anymore, it doesn't mean that I still don't get the gossip, right from the source." And, Kristen doesn't even think twice about asking the real source.

Nevertheless, they get to school; her friends are calling her braniacs, and Kristen remembers why she's besties with these girls in the first place; because even though they can crush her spirits several times — and they have; they make her feel good about herself, almost smart. She catches herself staring at Derrick Harrington, and her friends keep on saying that he's a dumb jock ( just because he broke Massie's heart, but wasn't it the other way around?

The bell rings, and another boring class of History, but Derrick talks to her and she can't help but floating even higher, until she catches Serena Rivera staring at her, sort of in this menacing way that she should stay away from Derrick if she didn't want to die, and she tries to ignore the stare, but she can't.

Massie and her share a same gym class; and she asks Massie for relationship advice, something she usually does, only because Massie has the most experience out of all of her friends, "Do you think that Derrick would ask me to the Spring Fling?"

The brunette only coughs, "God, no. Don't get your hopes up." But Kristen remembers the way that he touched her shoulder in history, and how he smells like grass and secondhand books, and gets her hopes up high.

She tries to forget about how her dad left them, and just waits to make it home, and her mother, her mother is flawless and amazing, and gives her very own computer, with privacy and everything and she's the happiest girl in the world. She spends the rest of the day with her best friends, and fills out a stupid profile; they're all tossing a computer to one another. And, suddenly there are comments and likes on her photo and she's friends with Derrick Harrington and everything goes fine until Serena Rivera gets involved.

And she's just in a horrible mood, and Kristen says the wrong thing to both Massie and Dylan, and then suddenly she's making new friends online, attractive guys apparently, and she makes one mistake, just says one wrong thing, just posts one wrong picture, and she's done for and there's no taking back, and suddenly Kristen's ruined. And, somebody hacks into her account, and it's too late to continue. She just wonders if she could stop, because none of them are going to ever stop.

And, it starts with the fact that she had been spotted with so and so, and soon enough everybody's whispering about her, photos all up in the hall, and Kristen just feels herself breaking, excusing herself to the bathroom, the deserted one of course, and there are still people following her, wherever she goes. They call her a psycho, realizing about her stay in an asylum throughout part of eighth grade, but she knew the secrets were going to come out, eventually of course.

Kristen just wants to make through the rest of the day. Her mom has always wanted her to go to boarding school, but she tells her mom the truth, the first mistake that she made dealing with this issue. She should never have let her parents, her mother in particular, deal with these issues because they wouldn't have ever understood what she's going through, and their helping? It only makes it worse.

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It turns out that Massie was the one who was bullying you in the first place — some great friend she turned out to be. And Kristn wants a homecoming, and Kristen wants that perfect promprosal serenade thing and it's stupid but she just wants to feel alive, to be human, and to be wanted. It's all she's ever wanted.

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Everything goes fine in her world until Kristen's mother reminds her not to take more than one cracker ( "you're looking a little heavy these days, Kristen, and I'm concerned about you" ) and she's angry. Furious. Fed up with everything.

And, the cycle repeats until she can't take it anymore and says her GOODBYE WORLD I HATE YOU I HATE ALL OF YOU and leaves.

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**notes |** hi, how're you guys?


End file.
